Marin Scope  May 16—22, 1990

 

One point of view

Sixpack’s study of pain

 

Dwayne Hunn

Special Features

 

       Joe Sixpack recently took a position with the Office of Long Term Paining (OLTP) in Sacra­mento. His job description, outside of his after-hours responsibility for crushing his weekly average of 17 aluminum cans, includes “Monitor­ing the Progress of Pain in the Capitol of NIMBY­ism.”

       During his first week on the job, Joe didn’t know exactly what that meant. Hell, he knew from his statewide travels and studies for the bar at the Cantina, Alvarado Inn, and Sam’s that Marin had. everything anyone could want. So as any new, eager employee would do, he asked his superior, Ulysses Stephen Shirkit.

       “Mr. U.S. Shirkit, I have a question about item 1 on my job description.”

       “Yes, Joe,” said U.S.

       “How does one monitor pain in the Capitol of NIMYism when everyone knows that every­one wants to live in that idyllic oasis. I mean everyone knows that every 3rd or 4th car there is a BMer or Porsche, that every one either has a twin screw, 6 sleeper cabin cruiser or a hot tub, that even the torn and tattered Levis wearers are mil­lionaire rock stars or have cultivated millions through other magical habits... How can I monitor pain there?”

       “Joe, you are noticing the superficial ar­tifacts of life. That’s the plastic that covers what your gold card can buy for you, your spoiled kids, your disintegrating family. Those superficialities go into our equation only because their overuse causes us true, long term pain... Joe, get to the basics of life and search there for the long term pain.

       Joe still didn’t know what the hell his boss was talking about until some bar study buddies from the Three Clicks Out club sent him-a couple gifts wrapped in the Newspointer. As he recycled the wrapping paper, he speed read the Newspointer story about this cousin of Groucho Marx wanting to set aside all St. Vincent’s/Silvera land along the rail line as open space. The next day he stopped his boss again.

       “Mr. Shirkit, you mentioned studying the ‘basics’ of life in search of the pain. Mark Twain always claimed land was a basic. You reckon ‘open space’ and land might be ‘basics’?”

       “Wonderful, Joe. Now you are catching on. Build from that basic by using other basics — like the computer — to tell us if that basic is causing any pain.”

       Joe went to the computer and pulled up the State’s slick new info base called ‘We Told You This Before’ from its basic LAN Network powered from his own basic 486 chip notebook-sized laptop with its gel video.

       He entered “Capitol of NIMBYism?” Up popped “Marin”.

       He typed “Open Space?” the screen read “Marin has set aside 88% of its land in open space, agricultural reserve, and park land.”

       He was rolling now as he input “Developable land?” The green backed answer said, “Only 12% developable and only about 4% of that remains.”

       “St. Vincents/Silvera?” Instantaneously the computer responded, “Along rail line where about 2% of Marin’s remaining 4% of develop­able land lies.”

       Joe, who graded very high in the math por­tion of his Post Graduate BSLD (Bar Studies at Liar’s Dice) studied the computer numbers.

       “Well, gee whiz. If this Grocho Marx’s cou­sin guy gets the people to foot the bill to buy that land for open space that will make about 90% of Marin Open Space.”

       Instinctively, his fingers asked the computer, “What will that do to the price of the remaining land and the housing put on it.” The computer responded, “Reducing supply increases demand, causes price to soar like eagle. Simultaneously reduces options to deliver affordable housing to young starting families that Pedestrian Pockets along the rail line could supply.”

       “What will that do to potential rail line development?” The computer screen blinked back the obvious “Open space purchase reduces train ridership potential. Causes larger taxpayer paid rail subsidy when your impending 1995 oil crisis hits. At that time, you will be forced to develop rail diversity in your transit system or mortgage your WHOLE future to the other guys.”

       “Wow,” Joe said. “My head is stating to hurt from all these long range implications. Guess I better take my medicine, crush its cool, silvery can against my sweaty forehead, and hope I can figure this out.”’

       After cooling, down, Joe thought he might call his Marin attorney friend who lives up on the hill looking down on the rest of Marin with his 12 cars and 6 garages, and see what he thinks of all this information...

 

• Dwayne Hunn works hard on affordable housing and traffic issues during the day and sometimes discourses with his buddy Joe in the evenings.